Leaving the house at about 4 o’clock in the afternoon. I started my journey not knowing what I would encounter that day. Just a 13 yr old girl having fun and being her “aggressive” self. As I traveled through the streets of Chester.
I stopped at a nearby friends house just to chat a bit. I then proceeded to my destination. As I reached the house I could hear “New jack city” and “ I wanna sex you up “was playing. He was sitting out on top of the wall in front of the house. This house was huge! You would have thought it was a mansion. He invited me in .. no one was home but him and I. We sat in his father’s study for a bit and then (because I liked him so much), I walked with him up the stairs and into his room. We sat on the bed at first and started kissing from that point on I was like putty in his hands. I was a virgin but I did watch movies and saw how people kissed. So kissing to me was fine. Then he began to slowly remove my shirt. I didn’t feel comfortable and told no don’t do that. He stopped and what kept kissing. He then proceeded to pin me down on the floor and I had no strength in me to move and as I’m telling him “No ! “And “stop!” Sade was playing in the background… “This is no ordinary love, no ordinary love “…. I remember it so vividly. I also remember him saying to me “we don’t love them hoes”. Talk about liking someone you saw every day at school who you thought liked you back only to find out they just wanted “some”. This was not the way I wanted to lose my virginity. This was not how I wanted to be “seen”.
He didn’t care called me a hoe a female dog and any other names in the book. All while laughing at me! Being that young naive and afraid, the moment i could leave I did. I ran. I ran like my life depended on it. No no one came after me. No one was looking for me. It was just me running back to Toby farms. Not thinking about what would happen when I walk in the door. Not thinking that I was in trouble for being out past curfew. Only thinking about what just happened.
What made it worse was the next day at school I was being talked about. Sad thing is despite what he did .. I was conditioned and years later allowed him back in again. I know what you are thinking… you can say it.. I was a gluten for punishment.
Looking back at this time I realized I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know God was fully as I was only going to church and hanging with my friends.
The moral of this story really is that it took me many years even into my adulthood to finally see God and to see me how he saw me.
Many boys and men have come in and out my life and no matter what they would do I would let them in. But I thank God for God. He spared my life!
He gave me another opportunity to live! Even tho that boy back in the day did what he wanted .. even though my virginity was taken. Even though for a while that incident shaped my teenage to adult years .. I am still here! I didn’t give up and I didn’t give in. I am a strong, beautiful, bold woman of God. My story may not be your own but believe me when I say “You are not alone! I’m here for you.
We as women tend to either wear our emotions on our sleeves or as I did for awhile hold them in.. Holding your emotions in can make you sick. Yeah you may be numb to it all but you are still bound by the guilt and frustration of “Why me?” What did I do wrong ? Why doesn’t he like me ? What does she have that I don’t? All those questions … Ladies let’s take our power back! Don’t allow any man to abuse you whether it be emotionally or physically.
Know that God created you in his image and in his likeness. It’s never too late to start over and be all that God would have you to be.
She said .. “Don’t touch me”
Don’t touch me , you disgust me.
How do you even have the audacity to do what you have done?
You have made me feel like I don’t deserve to truly be loved.
I trusted you with everything in me.
You played me and used me for your bidding.
I can’t even look at you anymore.
Don’t touch me!!!!
I don’t even want to hug you anymore.
Your touch will make me cringe now.
The smell of your cologne will make me want to vomit.
I am no longer enamored by your steelo.
I thought you were different… guess I was wrong.
Church boy gone wrong once again.
Is there no conviction in your heart???
Or is it just “business as usual?”
I thought you were different.
I am no longer apart of the equation.
You had me and you had your fun.
Playtime is over for me so go back to your crib and suck your thumb Lil baby …