Pondering Moments

Is it that my movements are going in the direction you want them to?

My purpose being pulled out because he’s here?

The trajectory of my mission has changed?

Am I to be a teacher?

A mentor?

Something other than a singer in church?

What’s the reason for him being here?

Is it to let me know you hear my heart?

Even though he may not be the man I’m destined to be with?

Is this another test?

Why is he here?

You don’t do things by happenstance

Everything you do or allow is apart of your purpose and plan for my life.

So what is it?

Show me my why.. I wanna know my why

I wanna understand who’s to be apart of that why and who isn’t

I’ve grown weary of the mundane and want a change of scenery.

This life is growing drear but you in it makes all the difference

As the song says “having you there made the difference” …

I just wanna know my why

What you want me to do here?

I wanna fulfill all you have placed in my hands to do.

Make me of a quick understanding of your word and help me to walk this thing out.

I wanna be your disciple.

Please Lord hear me. Hear my heart crying out even this morning.

Grant clarity and favor oh lord.

I wanna be a blessing

Make me a blessing

Help me to be a blessing.

Lord I love you

And I am willing to learn those things which you have for me to do while I’m here.

Show me the way.

In Jesus name, Amen.

My Final Future Charm…

Sometimes it is hard to think that life could be so different because of one person. However I find myself wanting this person around all the time. It is not even for mate per se it is moreso just for a companion.

This person’s presence in my life means everything. I honestly cannot understand why i hold on so hard?

The epitome of a strong, handsome, intelligent and godly man. He is everything i want personified into one.

That day will come i believe it so until then I will just hang on to what if scenarios and ponder the final encounter.

What I failed to realize

The one i wanted did not want me. I missed the ques. I honestly felt like quality time spent was an invitaiton to forever. I guess i was wrong. Never allow your imagination to run so far beyond what is expected. It will only lead to heartbreak. I have cried many times over lost encounters only to find out it would not have been worth the trip anyhow. Ha ha silly me. The calm before the storm. Always a bridesmaid but never the bride. I will just bask in the ambiance of all the love i see and hope for a lasting life in eternity.

The Process of Peeling Back the Onion

It seems so simple to do right? However, this process is a bit stressful. Metaphorically speaking most people use a knife to grab each layer and peel down. Some may just try to use their nails (if they have any) but then again that would be kind of difficult. Such is life. We tend to peel back layers of our lives if we allow ourselves to. Most of the things we want out of life and buried in our subconcious and it takes determination to dig it up. No one really wants to do the work tho. We live in a ‘snap, crackle and pop” society where everything is ” I want it all and I want it now”. We really do not know how to wait for a thing. We want money to fall from the sky or fall into our lap. We want a mate with no imperfections. Yet if we take a look at our ownselves and be honest about it, we need to do our part.

Are you willing to do the work it takes for YOU to be what you want in a mate? So many times we go down a “list” of things that we want or even need from a mate that we don’t take the time to look in the mirror.

Personal inventory is always needed in order for growth to occur. Without it we can stunt our growth or slow the process. No pain no gain people say. Well it is very true. Sometimes we have to go thru some pruning in order to break forth and breakthrough.

Although peeling back the onion can be painful it is necessary.

Everything must change …

I know change is inevitable but it seems as though the things that are gonna change are taking forever. I mean if you fall for someone and they are not interested why hang on to hope for them? Why not move on and live your life?

My story is simple.. I was looking for love. I did not allow it to find me. I wanted so much to be with the one who was untouchable. Sometimes friends are just meant to be just that.

I had to change my way of thinking. I could be so distraught because the one I love doesn’t love me. I could be that woman who is bitter and acts all nonchalant or I can learn to heal from the rejection and step out of my comfort zone.

Comfort zones are complacency in the familiar. Venturing into the unknown is scary. However I do believe in the scripture in Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together… I believe if I let God do what he does best I will receive what it is that he has for me and it will be all I could ever ask or think.

The way my weekend went…


The way my weekend went…

My sister is the bomb dot com!!! I mean when I say Pyrnie Sade is #goals : singer, song-writer, self published author… just to name a few. My sister is the sweetest most passionate person you will ever meet. “Cloud ten” (insider). Well here’s why: I got to witness all of my sisters dreams coming true. She got “setup” to begin a journey of unending love. The pic above says it all!!! She said “YES!!” I am so happy for the sister God placed in my life. Although she’ll be adding to her another set of family, friends, and a change of scenery, I am excited for where God is taking her. Miss P is the epitome of class, elegance, and light. Yesterday will be a day that her and I will never forget.

Thank you my sister for allowing me to be apart of this chapter.

Story time …

Leaving the house at about 4 o’clock in the afternoon. I started my journey not knowing what I would encounter that day. Just a 13 yr old girl having fun and being her “aggressive” self. As I traveled through the streets of Chester.

I stopped at a nearby friends house just to chat a bit. I then proceeded to my destination. As I reached the house I could hear “New jack city” and “ I wanna sex you up “was playing. He was sitting out on top of the wall in front of the house. This house was huge! You would have thought it was a mansion. He invited me in .. no one was home but him and I. We sat in his father’s study for a bit and then (because I liked him so much), I walked with him up the stairs and into his room. We sat on the bed at first and started kissing from that point on I was like putty in his hands. I was a virgin but I did watch movies and saw how people kissed. So kissing to me was fine. Then he began to slowly remove my shirt. I didn’t feel comfortable and told no don’t do that. He stopped and what kept kissing. He then proceeded to pin me down on the floor and I had no strength in me to move and as I’m telling him “No ! “And “stop!” Sade was playing in the background… “This is no ordinary love, no ordinary love “…. I remember it so vividly. I also remember him saying to me “we don’t love them hoes”. Talk about liking someone you saw every day at school who you thought liked you back only to find out they just wanted “some”. This was not the way I wanted to lose my virginity. This was not how I wanted to be “seen”.

He didn’t care called me a hoe a female dog and any other names in the book. All while laughing at me! Being that young naive and afraid, the moment i could leave I did. I ran. I ran like my life depended on it. No no one came after me. No one was looking for me. It was just me running back to Toby farms. Not thinking about what would happen when I walk in the door. Not thinking that I was in trouble for being out past curfew. Only thinking about what just happened.

What made it worse was the next day at school I was being talked about. Sad thing is despite what he did .. I was conditioned and years later allowed him back in again. I know what you are thinking… you can say it.. I was a gluten for punishment.

Looking back at this time I realized I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know God was fully as I was only going to church and hanging with my friends.

The moral of this story really is that it took me many years even into my adulthood to finally see God and to see me how he saw me.

Many boys and men have come in and out my life and no matter what they would do I would let them in. But I thank God for God. He spared my life!

He gave me another opportunity to live! Even tho that boy back in the day did what he wanted .. even though my virginity was taken. Even though for a while that incident shaped my teenage to adult years .. I am still here! I didn’t give up and I didn’t give in. I am a strong, beautiful, bold woman of God. My story may not be your own but believe me when I say “You are not alone! I’m here for you.

We as women tend to either wear our emotions on our sleeves or as I did for awhile hold them in.. Holding your emotions in can make you sick. Yeah you may be numb to it all but you are still bound by the guilt and frustration of “Why me?” What did I do wrong ? Why doesn’t he like me ? What does she have that I don’t? All those questions … Ladies let’s take our power back! Don’t allow any man to abuse you whether it be emotionally or physically.

Know that God created you in his image and in his likeness. It’s never too late to start over and be all that God would have you to be.

She said .. “Don’t touch me”

Don’t touch me , you disgust me.

How do you even have the audacity to do what you have done?

You have made me feel like I don’t deserve to truly be loved.

I trusted you with everything in me.

You played me and used me for your bidding.

I can’t even look at you anymore.

Don’t touch me!!!!

I don’t even want to hug you anymore.

Your touch will make me cringe now.

The smell of your cologne will make me want to vomit.

I am no longer enamored by your steelo.

I thought you were different… guess I was wrong.

Church boy gone wrong once again.

Is there no conviction in your heart???

Or is it just “business as usual?”

I thought you were different.

I am no longer apart of the equation.

You had me and you had your fun.

Playtime is over for me so go back to your crib and suck your thumb Lil baby …

Do I even exist?

It feels like I almost don’t exist in your world yet you always exist in mine. The mind plays tricks to conjure up dreams and aspirations of a reality not known to you or I.. Why can’t we just exist in both our world’s for an eternity.. maybe then the complications that we have built in our paths will cease to exist and the ending result could be, should be… we

So I met this guy…

He was a breath of fresh air

Part of what I thought I was missing

Not knowing he was really a distraction

Reminds of the sour patch kid but in reverse

Starts off sweet and kind then turns mean

Well not mean in the sense that they no longer cared

But the interest was no longer there

Or maybe my expectation was off?

In any event this was my conclusion to the whole matter…

Nonchalant

Very sure of himself

Where’s the fullness of God?

Where’s the boldness in HIM

Cocky ain’t it

Boastful ain’t it

Be who you are but give Him glory

It’s not about you.

It’s not about what I have done or how I have contributed to something.

All the glory belongs to HIM (The Lord)

The Lord was preparing me for this …

almost got caught up in the “newness”

The newness was fun. It had all the workings of long walks, expensive evenings out, and spontaneous trips.

Wanting “something new” but at what cost?

It’s awesome to meet another human being with similar interest but the foundation may be rocky

Do you want that?

Do you want semi similar beliefs?

How do you justify that?

What you prayed for is what YOU prayed for

Don’t settle for less sis … it’s not worth it

A cup of coffee and a smile will only last for a short while

You want an Ephesians 5 kinda love

Not a homie lover friend

Glad my heart treaded lightly

Happy my mind was on radar

Now the reset begins

What ‘s next?

Only time will tell .. stay tuned